amazing grace
how sweet the sound
that saved a wretch like me
i once was lost
but now am found
twas blind but now i see

-american hymn-


there are a myriad of thoughts weaving through my mind tonight. tomorrow is our birthday, the Bro's and mine. he's turning 28. 28! and i'm turning 25. a quarter of a century. it feels a bit surreal. and before all of you laugh at me, yes i'm aware i'm not old. but i have felt a bit...unsure, i suppose, lately. that is somewhat genetic, my father too is not always settled around his birthday. that's ok with me. it's a turning point, a little one, but a chance to reevaluate, shift my paradigm a little, prioritize.

and tonight, a dear friend sent me an early birthday gift that flipped my view, just a little, just enough. what was it? it was pictures. pictures from the latest wedding i went to, with her and her family; they are pictures of her kiddos from the wedding photographer. they are absolutely beautiful. my favorite is one of me and Younger Girlchild. we are on a couch in this old lighthouse. she is in her flower girl regalia; she was wearing sneakers instead of slippers, and those sneakers were adorable, red with heart laces (i think they were hearts!). so here we are: she has her flower circlet on her head and her legs tossed up in my lap. we are switching out sneakers for slippers. she is giggling, chuckling at my fumblings to tie the little toe ties; i am laughing, my face a simple mirror of hers. she is joyful. simple. and through her, i am joyful. thank you, Younger Girlchild. you are the first child i got to know as a baby, the first child i have tossed my whole heart to. thank you for holding on to it. thank you for reminding me, tonight, what pure happiness looks like. and, along with you, thanks for sharing the Older Girlchild, the Boy, and the Cousin with me. maybe someday you could explain to me how i got so lucky? until then. thank you all. each new birthday that i see, i think of how fortunate i was to have you all enter my world.

it has been quite a year. my best one yet, i dare say. there is a deep contentedness trickling through my bloodstream, steady. that is a gift. that is a gift on a universal scale. i think i'm lacking a lot of words tonight, but i am overwhelmed with gratefulness today. so. a list of my anchors and my joys.

1. my housemates, Bro and SIL. they offer compassion and forgiveness, room to grow and discipline. they offer love.

2. my parents.

3. old friends, especially my HLP and other 1/3, the Family Springfield, the Elf and the Doctor.

4. new friends, especially the Dodgeball Crew. who knew? i can make friends. :)

5. the animals, believe it or not, the critters who snuggle me and make me run and make me laugh.

6. running. a new joy, a new challenge. a change in body image, a growth of confidence, a new shield against apathy and sadness. new power.

7. writing! being published, finding ways to share my words, even if it's just with the 3 people who read this. it was ten years ago that i first started writing. woah.

8. my job. my amazing, challenging, doing-what-i-love job, my charge-full-steam-ahead-take-no-prisoners job!!

9. having the confidence, the inner and external tools, and when in doubt, the people to go to, to know that the ups and the downs will pass.

10. seeing--or trying to see--each hard minute, hour, or day as a useful one, an 'i'll-be-better-at-the-end'. and actually succeeding in doing so.

11. a stubborn belief in the principle that people are good. or trying to be good.

12. humor. seeing my world with at least a smidgeon of humor.

13. my freakin amazing coworkers.

14. a deep and growing love of mountains and trees and hiking and camping.

15. am i lucky enough to get fifteen? yes. it is the constant turning of the world.


on one final note: a sweet Great-Aunt died early this morning. she was funny and spunky and strong. and she will be missed. and as she died, at 11:30 in the morning in one part of the world, hours later at 11:30 in another part of the world, a new baby was born to a friend. coincidence? you decide.


and now i will wait for 9 minutes, call the Bro and wish him a happy birthday, and fall into bed.