what would you do if i sang out of tune
would you stand up and walk out on me?
lend me your ears and i'll sing you a song
and i'll try not to sing out of key--
oh i get by with a little help from my friends...

*those guys who you all know*

it has been so long since i have written anything but poetry, which is kind of amazing. the last time i was so focused was almost a year ago. maybe it's the season. who knows! tonight was the first dodgeball game of the fall season. driving over the fremont bridge i realized that this is the first year marker here in portland--i started playing last year this time. it's been quite a year. new job, new goals, new houses (x2 at this point). and i remember a conversation my SIL and i had right around this time last year. i had come home on a rainy night, a little sick and a little sad. feeling friendless. which was not true of course, but i hadn't found my group here. she was studying and i went in and sat down on the end of their bed. snuggled the little black dog. as usual she got to the heart of the matter. "you've got the job." because i was working. "uh huh." "and you've got the running and writing." still do. "yup." "so now all you need are the friends. it's the last part of the trifecta." "i'm not sure how to find that." "it's never easy, reinventing a life for yourself, is it?" "no, it's not." "you're doing a good job. especially because no one ever warns you about how hard it's going to be." "i am?" "yup. and before you know it, you'll find them." "you think?" "ames, i know."

she was right. a few weeks later i started dodgeball. and then a few months after that, when i joined my second indy team, i found my group. we're an oddball crew. 22 is a hardcore basketball star, fierce and sweet and one of the most welcoming women i've met. bionicman is a smart man, a sweet man, with a good outlook on the world and an impressive set of ethics and morals. the vannabama boys--one quiet, one loud--are funny and goofy; we love the same movies and make the same dorky jokes. stoner is quiet and kind, a man everyone would want on their team, solid. together we are fiercely competitive, winners, the team that jumps and yells and cheers each other on and trades off and calls each other on our sh*t. off the dodgeball court we are loud and funny and can swear like sailors. and yet i find each of them to be, in their own ways, incredibly good people. no one tells you that out in the world, making friends isn't as easy as it was in kindergarten. i feel that i hit the jackpot with this crew and i know they feel the same way. they laugh at my snorts, understand when my job is rough, are there with a hug or a high five, have made me in ways both large and invisible a better version of myself. it's sometimes hard to step out and see where i could be a better person, with more common sense and stronger values. they are somewhat of a rudder and somewhat of a cannon, blowing off steam every wednesday night.

tonight, after 6 weeks off, we welcomed each other back with hugs and cheers and beers. we brought three new women into our team, awesome chicks each, who rocked the court along with us. we pissed people off, threw hard, and for one night in our week lived bigger than we ever let ourselves outside of those walls. well, except for 22. she's roughhouse. afterwards we sat around and had beers, ribbed each other, talked about breakups and school and funny work stories and cruddy work stories. in the blink of 2 hours we slipped back into a team. it's funny. i remember, as most people do, dodgeball games from elementary school. i couldn't wait to leave the court. even now-- my coworkers and friends and family, they think it's great but also look at me like i'm nuts. but that place, that place where so many that i know might not want to be, is where i have found another home.

it's a little thing, i know. for hell's sake, it's rec league big kid dodgeball in a tiny community center in portland. but to have something fun to look forward to, every week, guaranteed laughs and some hard work--to feel that rush and rise in confidence--to know that even when i don't play my best they will slap my hand and not mind--to know that when i do they will be jumping all over me--to remember on my hardest days that i am part of a team that routinely kicks ass--that's something big for me. special.