i was standing by Jackson Pollock
when a woman spoke French in my ear
she said you don’t love me no more
that i should take a fast train out of here

so i jumped into that painting and rode it
nineteen forty-eight number 1
all the way back to Oregon
what a long, long way to run

and the sun sits in a circle of yellow
in a gallery on the upper east side
there’s the purple of night right next door
as on a silver paintwhip i ride

Jackson where are you, come find me
as i stand wondrous and broken by your lyrics i fall
Jackson where are you, come find me
with each splatter line you twist and you call

but i can hear nothing at all
cuz i was standing by Jackson Pollock
when you cut me down from so tall
so come find me i’m Jackson, i’ll take you away

and on the wings of the paint flicks
we’ll ride out of the sky

-minnie reznick-


my father taught me to love jackson pollock. they were paintings of freedom. he told me how pollock used to stand over his paintings and fling the colors every which way, and how even though it looked like there was no design or intent, that pollock always knew what he was doing. i always loved him because even though he knew, he seemed to have to search for it. i like knowing that even people who are amazing at what they do, respected and revered and famed for it, have to search.

i've been fighting to be a runner. pretending and pushing, wearing the clothes and the shoes, doing the races, trying. it started out of family and continued after sheer stubbornness when people around me indicated they weren't positive i could do it. that was when i knew i would complete a race, if for no other reason than to prove them wrong. and in my new life up here, my new world, the mantle of "runner" is something that no one here doubts on me. so i tried to not doubt it on myself. after almost a year, two 5ks, an 8k, two 10ks, and two half marathons, you would think that i would be sure. but still...when you are a "fat girl runner" as my SIL calls us both, when it's hard to breathe and everybody runs past you and your knees and calves and back hurt, it's hard to be sure.

this week has sucked. i ran a shitty 5k on sunday, slow and gross. the training runs i've done so far for our half marathon in (eep!) May were awful. i was feeling down about it, thinking maybe, just mayyyybe it was time to end the charade. but, again out of sheer stubbornness, i hadn't give up yet when i took the little black bad border collie and headed out for a 3.5-er. for some reason my determination tonight was all in the stamina. it wasn't about running fast or pretty or well, it was about going and going. about 9 blocks in my calves seized up. i've had terrible shin splints and i know that's where the pressure was coming from, but knowing it didn't help. so i slowed down to a walk for a block, and then decided, fuck it. if i'm going to do it...i'm going to do it. and then i flashed on a technique that one of my "running for non-marathoners" had described, where you take whatever is getting in your way on that run, be it the hill or the heat or the pain, and instead of fighting it, you welcome it. so--several times on this run actually--i said out loud, "hello pain. come run with me, because i'm not stopping."

yup, people looked at me like i was crazy. but the first time i said it, bam, just like that my calves released. entirely. and then my knees released and then my core, and all of a sudden i had sped up without noticing. when i needed to slow i did, but i never stopped running. luna kept time by me, sniffing and snorgling and walking sometimes, but she never pulled or tugged. and all of a sudden i was at the turn around point, and when i did it hit me: i'm going to run all the way back. it wasn't a fight, or a goal, or a question. it was simply fact. i can do this. no problem. and it wasn't! as i came back around the corner Mount Hood was towering in front of me, absolutely beautiful as ever. and then i felt like i could fly.

and by the time i made it home, it had happened. all of a sudden, i was a runner. it was no longer a fight, no longer a facade. just fact. i am a runner. i know i will have my hard days and bad runs, i know i need to adjust my schedule and pay attention to my food. i need to be sure to take care of myself. why?

because i'm a runner.