she grew up on the side of the road
where the church bells ring and
strong love grows
she grew up good
she grew up slow
like american honey

there's a wild wild whisper blowing in the wind
calling out my name like a long lost friend
oh i miss those days as the years go by
oh nothing sweeter than summertime
and american honey

-lady antebellum-

i drove out to forest grove today to see the Old Friend graduate from college. her parents were there, her brother and sister, her husband, her in-laws, her friends. she is the first in her family to graduate from college. it is astounding to me. i am so proud of her, more than i can say, and i cannot imagine how hard she has worked to get here. so congratulations to her, a hundred times over.

the drive to forest grove was gorgeous. the mountains, a northerly view of the coast range, were sprinkled with sitting mist, those wavy lines that snake in and out of the trees gently. the sun peered from behind low dark stormy clouds now and then, gasping and glancing a brilliant sheen. i love spring in oregon. april brings out the best: my favorite is the rain that is cleansing and warm, the kind that rattles the gutters gently and whips the cherry blossoms downward in a hail of pink gossamer. everything seems new on days like this.

this week has been...demoralizing. more apt is that i have let is be demoralizing. i *love* my job. i do. and i am happy there, no matter what those of you who have seen me this week have observed. but this is a week where i have to remind myself that happiness in this job has to come in an underlying shelf of positivity. it is not found in the day to day interactions, there are no children around with that illuminating eraser quality to make even the worst seem a little easier. it is not *always* found in the day to day interactions, i should say. it is a trick of the mind, to remind yourself that you are indeed happy in your work even on days when you are not. this month has been hard on the families and children that inhabit my work world. and in the wake of the recession, when we hope and strive to make things better, it is frustrating to see them struggle. it is both the carrot which pushes us to work harder and be more for them, and the whip that simply beats us down by reminding us that no matter how hard we work, it's never quite enough. it is weeks like this that make me question whether i am indeed cut out for this work.

the HLP reminds me that weeks like this are rare and random; days are more common but even those are farther between. and she reminds me that yes, i am cut out for this. she reminds me that the core training we got provided us with a powerful core to draw from, and a support group that now stretches far and wide.

the SIL reminded me that working in human services is analogous to training for a marathon. sometimes the run is a terrible 2 miler, other times it's a great 9 miler, other times it's a mediocre 14 miler. no matter what the distance or the quality, i am stronger for having run it. i am more in tune with my own footfalls and breathing, more in tune with the world outside, more confident in my own capabilities and strength at the end. so it seems to be with human services. there are days that, quite frankly, are terrible. terrible for little reasons and big ones. there are days that are amazing. amazing because the child was returned to the parent, amazing because i closed a case that took eons and sweat and diplomacy to close. and there are mediocre days, the ones where i walk away knowing that i simply broke even that day---no harm done, no help given. and yet for each of those days i am a better social worker. i can learn on any of those days. i can prioritize, communicate, make breakthroughs, and run in to brick walls, but simply by being there and putting the time in, i am building a stronger foundation for the rest of my professional life. now if only i could remember that without needing to have a tearful conversation with her! i am amazed at her patience with me. one of these days she's going to tell me to find a counselor. i think i'll preempt that advice. i don't see how anyone can work in this world and not need someone to talk to occasionally.

the trick, then, seems to be lifting oneself out of the everyday fight and finding the big picture. can i do that? i don't actually know. i can try though.

in other news...the countdown is ON!! 4 days to the next half marathon. 13.1 miles. it is the most prepared i've been going in to a half and i intend to give it my all. at this point it is all mental prep. my legs and lungs and heart and abs, they're stronger than ever, and i can feel every step of those miles in my calves and shins already. i am both excited and terrified to be running in the Hometown. i love running here because it is primarily anonymous; i don't have to wonder if every car that passes me is an old schoolmate judging my pokey speed or a theater acquaintance wondering what the hell I'M doing running? fat girl running, kids, it ain't for the faint of heart. but i am also excited to cross a finish line with the Parentals and the HLP and other people i know there. i am excited to run on streets that i know endlessly, and run past buildings housing past lives. i am excited to run with the ghosts of who i used to be. and, as a lovely postscript to the whole shenanigans, i then get to (after some r-and-r, and a nice looooong shower), get to go to the 8th (WHAT?! 8?!!) birthday party of Older Girlchild. i cannot believe she is 8. i found a picture of her and Boychild the other day; they are about 2 and 3 1/2, dressed in princess (him) and king (her) costumes. for the longest time, seeing them every day, it was hard to see the differences as they aged. now, seeing them every three months or so, i am surprised--and oh so delighted--to be able to see them growing into wonderful big kids, from the tiny toddlers and little kids they have been for so long. and to get to go to her party, see her extended families and her parents and siblings, is all the more reason to run loud and proud and strong.

so here we go....ready? set? ENDURANCE!!!!

in running. in work. in life.