there is a place where the sidewalk ends
and before the street begins,
and there the grass grows soft and white,
and there the sun burns crimson bright,
and there the moon-bird rests from his flight
to cool in the peppermint wind.

let us leave this place where the smoke blows black
and the dark street winds and bends.
past the pits where the asphalt flowers grow
we shall walk with a walk that is measured and slow,
and watch where the chalk-white arrows go
to the place where the sidewalk ends.

yes we'll walk with a walk that is measured and slow,
and we'll go where the chalk-white arrows go,
for the children, they mark, and the children, they know
the place where the sidewalk ends.

-shel silverstein--

first off a HUGE HAPPY BRITHDAY to my wonderful sister in law. thank you for being absolutely the best SIL a girl could have. love you muchly!

it's late so I'm going to try to keep this short, but there are thoughts rambling that I just have to get out. went to the coast this weekend to be "helper-kid wrangler-parent reliever" for my favorite family at a wedding. all three kids were in it and they were adorable, calm, very mature--especially for the exhausted variety of 7, 6, and 4 yos that they were by the time we put them in my car yesterday afternoon to go back to the hotel. that morning i had woken up to the 7 and 6 yos climbing into bed with me at 6 am. now we all know i'm the opposite of a morning person, but they can wake me with a grin at any time. and yesterday as i lay there with one snuggled on each side of me, watching out the window at the gray sky and listening to them talk, i couldn't help but think back to when i first met them--pre 4 yo, so that's how long i've been lucky enough to have them in my life.

i thought for a long time that i might never find what i was really good at. as much as i love theater...it wasn't ever that perfect fit. and when i moved back home from california, i was so depressed that i could barely get out of bed in the morning. in fact the only reason i did was because their awesome understanding mom told me that i had to be there at 9am every morning to help out. i wasn't always on time. and there were a few days i didn't make it. but more often than not, i got there. for many months the three of them were the only ones who could make me smile and forget the rest of my world. it was so easy with them, holding the baby and rocking her, taking them to preschool, making lunch. it was simple and doable and somewhere in there i fell completely and totally in love with them. i am fairly convinced that until my own kids, and neices and nephews come along, there will be no others who quite measure up. between the three of them, and their cousin who is sandwiched in there between the 4 and 6 yos, what i was looking for appeared without my noticing it. one day i was dithering around their house talking to their mom about not knowing what i wanted to do in school, and she said "kids. you love kids. and you're good with them. try teaching." well, i did, and it was wrong, but through that i fell into working with needy kids, and from there into social work.

looking back it seems much simpler than it was at the time. when the days were filled with kids who willingly took my hand, shared their stories, and sang songs, and parents who didn't mind sharing their kids with me, it makes sense that those were the days that led me back to myself. they were all peanut butter smears and wrestling pillow fights, piggy back rides and squabbles, snuggles and questions, and through them i learned--hell, am still learning--how to be the version of myself that they see. that they love. this weekend the 7yo told me that i was still a kid. it's the highest compliment she can pay--in her eyes, i am old enough to comfort and care for them, and still fun enough to be considered a kid. well, that's how i'm choosing to take it at least.

they are smart. smart to the point of brilliant at times. they are funny, and fun, and so very kind. this weekend they were patient and far calmer than they had any right or reason to be. they create among themselves rules and explanations, they hold each other's hands, and help each other out. it doesn't always go smoothly. duh. but i am proud to be considered their friend. incredibly grateful to their parents for letting me share in their family from time to time. very lucky to have them in my life.

before this weekend i was losing some faith. every day at work brings some new ups and downs, and thursday and friday in particular were hard as i assisted a caseworker with preparing for court and other issues surrounding a case. it was most definitely the worst i'd seen since i started work. i pride myself on my toughening skin, after almost three years of being involved in this type of work, there is little that i let upset me anymore. at least visibly, at least in the office. i do nobody any good by getting sad or shocked by the incidents and families we work with. and i'm learning to reframe to see the tremendous and good effect of our work. but hearing this case was upsetting. and while i had lost faith before, in my coworkers, in parents and family members of our kids, in those around me, i feel that this time was bigger than ever before. and maybe that's part of it. maybe there will be days and moments that will simply be overwhelming, a tsunami of information and emotion rising above me. maybe i need to learn to just let the waves break over me and wash on. i think i already am. but man, friday, friday i was lost in this case, in those kids. couldn't see the forest for the trees, as they say, and was failing in my struggle to reframe in a positive light.

having made a promise to this wonderful family, i wasn't able to run this weekend. not normally a big deal, but that's where i go. that's where i get my faith back, my confidence and courage, even on the terrible runs i feel a little better for having run at all. at the very least i know that if i can go 5 or 7 or 9 miles, i can go back into work the next day, look at it differently, start over, and do my utmost best work. i couldn't do that this weekend. and by the time i got to the coast i was exhausted, completely drained emotionally. but by the time we got to this morning, after breakfasts and dinners and a wedding and bedtime and hugs and songs, after helping their parents set up easter in the rental apartment, i realized that what i'm missing up in portland is a family (one that i get to see regularly) to remind me that there are still good parents in the world. that there are kids who get all of the love and joy and structure and education and love that they deserve and need. there are kids who aren't expected to be more than kids, who don't have to take care of their little siblings, and who get to play. hey look--there it is--restoration of belief--and once again i was caught unawares by the three of them, by the whole family. thanks, guys.

it's very late all of a sudden and i know this is overly sentimental. but there it is. i don't tell them because it's all words that i'm bad at saying out loud, things and thinks that they are too young to hear or necessarily understand, but thanks for saving my life, and for not caring if i looked good when i came over, and for letting me eat dinner with you and tuck you in, and for smiling at me. sleep well tonight, and i'll see you guys really soon. i love you very much.