so you go yours
and i'll go mine
the best that we can hope is time
will find a way to meet us
in between
and i will wave as you pass by
and i expect you'll do the same
but if you don't
i'll see you on the slower side
of time

we'll synchronize our hearts
and in the depths of deepest darkest parts
naught will undermine the steady beat
and when your head's a hundred million miles and years away from here
i dare to hope you'll land upon your feet

-jessica parsons-taylor-

letting go of people is such hard work it seems. harder than it needs to be at times. in my life i have learned to do so, although not gracefully. let go of two of the most amazing grandparents anyone could have. let go of a love going nowhere. let go of people who used to define my world and found others to fill the void. i am struggling right now, with a friend. for sake of privacy, i'll just refer to this person as chris. chris and i have been friends for a while now, not long in grand terms but a decent amount of time, and now, living miles and miles apart, i feel a growing distance between us. i think if it was shared it would be better, but i'm not sure that chris can feel it. i think for chris that the relationship is still as strong as it used to be, and i don't know how to tell this person that things have changed. i've changed. and chris has changed. for better or for worse, i don't recognize the person anymore. it happens that way. and i've learned over the years that the people who are worth holding on to, will come back into your life even if there's been separation or distance. i'm ok with that. i almost like that rhythm, that ebb and flow of people in and out. but there is another element that has bothered me for a while and it is one of the reasons i have disconnected: chris only seems to contact me when s/he needs some kind of support, when things are rough. i love being able to be there for my friends. and i have so many who give back to me tenfold. but if i'm to be a friend to someone, i want to talk to them on the good days too. i want to know when things are good too; i'm not willing to simply be a dumping ground. it's not so much that i want to know chris would be there for me if i needed it--i think s/he would, because at heart chris is an amazing person, kind and loyal and smart, and s/he is so solid for friends. but i don't want to just hear from chris when things are bad in life.

talking with my mom tonight, she reminded me that the job i'm in is taxing emotionally. it's why i love dodgeball and running and softball, it's why i write and why i drive, i have to send that intensity somewhere so that i can leave my work at work when the day ends. and that the nature of my work and life right now is such that to protect my own little heart, i do have to choose how far to extend myself and how much to let chris unload on me. she reminded me that that's ok to do too. not a lot, not always, but once in a while i don't have to go full bore for people who don't always reciprocate. she also told me to stop whining about it and have the conversation, and she's right.

i've been in portland for a year and a week now. it has flown by, absolutely smoked it, and i am so happy here. one of the things i've learned through some interesting experiences and lots of conversations with my wise SIL is that i have to be sure of myself before i can be with someone else. what does this have to do with chris? well, sometimes i know that chris comes to me for a solid ground, someone to remind him/her of who s/he is. but even after a year of hard work and narcissistic soul searching, i am still a little lost myself. and i find that i can't--don't feel capable of--accompanying someone to find themselves when i don't really know who i am yet. i'm approaching it, i know that i am, and i know that i'll never truly pin down that answer; as humans we are far too malleable for that. i need to have this conversation with chris. but how do you tell someone that you can't be--aren't any longer--the person they want you to be? worse, how do you tell someone that you used to love dearly that you need a break? even just a little one?

i probably shouldn't be writing about this. but i am well known for my awkward capability of putting my foot in my mouth. so that's where i am.

in other news...i sat on front desk yesterday and got to play peek a boo with a little guy, about 2, and it made me so happy to know that i could still connect with the kids i don't know. i miss those kids. i miss the relief nursery, the hands on work we did there, the intense passion that encompassed that place, and i know that one day i'll go back. for now though, i remember that i had some amazing conversations with parents this week, people who are working hard to rebuild their lives for their kids, and who were so thrilled that i would be looking into their native heritage. it seems that in my line of work, every victory no matter how seemingly small is absolutely gigantic. i have been re-taught the value of a little humor, treating the person on the other end of the line with respect no matter what, working with them instead of against them. i do love this work, so incredibly much.

eugene half marathon in two weeks!! i did an awesome 6 miler yesterday, this weekend i get to run the first 8-9 of the half marathon course down in eugene, which i'm excited for. somewhere along the line 13 miles just became a reality, not something i want to do but something i can do. what is that all about?!

i hope you all sleep as well as i'm going to. i hope you are all as happy as i get to be. shine on little bright stars--we'll all find our right to be eventually.