when i am lost, look for me in the land
when i am hungry, look for me in the streams and rivers
when i am thirsty, look for me in the sky
only in nature where i find my whole self
true and unbroken.

only in the wild wide world where i hear my soul
whispering among trees
sinking into my heart

-lillian pincus-

the world and i are a bit at odds tonight. i wanted rain this weekend, it insisted on being sunny. i was planning on a relaxing fun saturday full of baby showers and best friends, instead i was back at the emergency vet's for hours on end. the run today was supposed to rejuvenate, instead it was work. that being said i feel calm. this is new for me. i am used to feeling topsy-turvy on days such as this, like a carnival ride stuck upside down endlessly. tonight though, tonight i am quietly confident that the life i have is good.

is this what it feels like to grow up, just a smidgeon? because there are days when i want nothing more than to be 7 again. or even better, 5, at the beginning of self-knowledge, when tying my shoes was the hardest task and the biggest accomplishment, when sitting in timeout during dinner was the worst consequence, when reading under the covers with the 2nd (or 3rd) hidden flashlight was the most fun. when joy was not something i had to look for under the bed. but anymore it is almost a given that each day will bring something good. that's amazing to me, that instead of looking for what i need, i can rest assured that it will be there--and it seems that it is only in the relaxation of hope that i can find what it is that fulfills me.

recently i have begun the practice of making eye contact with bums on corners. i don't know why. but in doing so i have made silent acquaintances, and even though i don't often have a dollar or fifty cents to give them, it is easy to give some respect. it seems to me that every time we drive by a person in need without acknowledging them, no matter whether we believe we should help someone begging, we take away a little of the greater humanity that could be present in our species. that should be present in our species. how much worse could it get to be begging on a corner? to have had a home, or a family, or to have fought in the military, or be an addict needing a fix without hope of rehab or help, and then to add the indignity of having your fellow citizens drive by as though you don't exist? as though you are not worthy of a momentary glance, a lifted hand, a smile? as though you aren't worth of recognition as a person?

i'm aware that more often than not, the men and women who beg are going to use that money for booze or crack. i'm aware that they are the people who frequent emergency rooms late at night looking for handouts, and that they are the people who live in the lobby at the DHS offices during the day. i'm not saying that we should blindly hand over money and ignore the root issues. i'm not even saying that all of them are good kind people who deserve help. some of them, like some of us, are rude and intolerant. some of them will never be helped. but in a country that preaches tolerance and forgiveness, that clings so tightly to the word of God and righteousness, i think that we can afford some of our humanity to those people on the street. that part isn't hard. i can imagine that for those of you who work in the direct service jobs where you encounter these people on a daily basis--and i don't include myself or pretend to know what that's like--this isn't something you necessarily want to do, because you do have to deal with them regularly, and i can imagine it's frustrating and awful and makes you want to tear your hair out. i get that. but i think for those of us who don't work in emergency services or crisis relief or homeless shelters, we can do a little bit here and there by simply looking the dude holding a sign on a corner in the eyes. it's an acknowledgment that he is there. that we recognize that no matter what else he is, he is a person. that doesn't seem hard. i can't imagine anyone would lose any part of who they are by doing that.

i know that this is idealistic. maybe it's even stupid. but hey, i'm a social worker. if i don't believe that we can indeed change the state of the world, then what right do i have being in this job? isn't it part of my job to look for that which is malleable in the worst people i encounter? isn't it part of my job to see that anything can be changed, and offer a hand to do so? we don't work to take kids away. we work to put families back together. sometimes that means seeing the most possible good in people who have made bad choices, done stupid things, are evil. and sometimes that's not possible. but isn't it my job to do everything i can to ensure that a change could happen? i think that with the passing of days comes a recognition of the terrible swiftness which moves this world. i gotta use my time. so do you.